I Didn’t Know

Before your verboseness fizzled down to single-word answers
And you stopped talking about the news and telling silly jokes
I didn’t know
How much they had defined you
How much your quirks meant to me.

Before I saw you struggle to figure out 97 – 8
And wonder out loud why you couldn’t do it
I didn’t know
That I had forgotten you were a self-made man who built up his life from nothing
That you inspired us to study hard and work hard
To strive for the best and reach for the stars
We wouldn’t be where we are without you.

Before you began to forget about your mobile phone
Before you started forgetting how to use it
Before you stopped picking up my calls
Because you have trouble figuring out how to press ‘answer’
And because sometimes, you think the TV remote is the phone
I didn’t know
That I would miss hearing your voice so much.

Before you started forgetting to ask about your grandchildren
Not because you don’t love them
But because your mind is failing you
I didn’t know
How blessed I was to have you think of me and my children
And how much that void would make my heart ache.

Before I saw that there were so many words you could no longer write
Before I realised you were struggling to read your favourite newspaper
I didn’t know
How important it was for you to do those things every day
And how frightening it must be for you to lose yourself, bit by bit.

Before I saw you shuffle and lean on your cane
And walk with such heartbreaking effort from bed to bathroom
Before I saw you hunched over in the wheelchair, quiet and tired
I didn’t know
That your increasing frailness would make me cry so much.

Before you started having trouble remembering names
Before you began to struggle thinking of things to say
I didn’t know
That one day, you would prefer not to talk at all.
That strangely, unlike before, silence can now be comfortable for us.

Before I started dreading that you will not recognise me one day
That you may forget you have us at all
I didn’t know
How wonderful it is to have my family call me by my name.
And how much I have taken for granted. 

Before I realised you were fading right before my eyes
Week by week, day by day
I didn’t know
How much this grief would hurt.
I didn’t know
That I would so miss you as you once were
Flaws and all.

Before I realised I am losing you
I didn’t know
That I love you this much,爸爸.
I didn’t know
This is the long goodbye.

Kathryn Tse-Durham
Author of The Ellanor Chronicles
19th June 2022

This blog post is also posted on Kathryn’s Facebook Page. Visit here.