Kathryn Tse-Durham: Last Christmas

I was never a huge fan of George Michael. Back in the day when I first listened to Last Christmas by Wham!, I deemed it more than a tad cringe-worthy, the lyrics odd and too depressing for my taste. ‘Last Christmas, I gave you my heart. But the very next day, you gave it away. This year, to save me from tears…I’ll give it to someone special.’ I mean, it’s about Christmas, for God’s sake! Shouldn’t we be singing with cheer as we usher in the new year and pave way for sparkling new possibilities? Why would one be so dreary and lament about lost love and heartache.

But now that I’m older (and hopefully a little wiser), I think I’ve attained a new appreciation for this iconic song. In reality, for many, Christmas can be fraught with loneliness and yearning. It can be a painful reminder that one should be surrounded by family, friends, warmth and comfort. And for those of us who are fortunate enough to enjoy a relatively comfortable life, once in a while we are thrown curve balls that make festive seasons a bittersweet affair, with joy and sorrow intertwined in a strangely harmonious dance.

As I prepare for this Christmas, drowning our Christmas tree under a massive pile of gifts for family and friends, I reflect on things that have come to pass, and marvel how much can change over the course of a year. Last Christmas, I was giddily celebrating the launch of my third book, Ellanor and the Land of the Midnight Sun. Last Christmas, I was heavily pregnant (so big that people thought I was carrying twins) and anticipating the arrival of our bundle of joy. It was a season of joyous transitions and new beginnings sparkling with the rainbow colors that my little boy loves to draw these days.

This Christmas is quite different. It is shadowed with quiet heartbreak as I help someone I love prepare his move to a residential facility that offers the professional nursing care he needs. This Christmas, amidst sleep deprivation and medical appointments and mountains of paperwork, I watch with quiet wonder at my bundle of joy who is now a squealing, babbling 10-month-old girl as she gleefully plays with her older brother, the other love of my life. This Christmas, I lament that I haven’t had the headspace to work on my fourth book for The Ellanor Chronicles, and resolve to write out those chapters that have been taking shape in my mind.

This time next year, I imagine I’d be looking back on last Christmas and thinking: Golly, I survived another insane, messy, and ultimately beautiful year. No, wait, I didn’t just survive it: I was blessed to live another year, and grew amidst the chaos. Be merry, my dear reader, be grateful for all the beautiful things, and it’s OK to cry; for not all tears are an evil, as the wise J.R.R. Tolkien once wrote. May this Christmas bring you peace and warmth, joy and love. And next year, perhaps we would look back on last Christmas with a wink and a smile.

Kathryn Tse-Durham
Author of The Ellanor Chronicles
24th December 2021

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